[overcome]
what would be the point of getting that all down. who would benefit, who would be impressed. not me, not you. maybe me. maybe for having it all said. maybe for seeing that it wasn’t just a dream. maybe the articulation will bring with it some sort of revelation, some sort of calm. not calm after the storm, not before it, but just because of it. for the sake of it. why can’t you say it, why can’t anyone hear. there is no one to tell. all the people who remember are gone and trying to forget. all those who weren’t there wouldn’t believe it, or they would judge it. i judge it. but it’s not the same when i judge it because it was reaction it was bloodletting. i judge it because it was my fault, but why should anyone agree, why would i want them to. for the sake of telling. telling, just for the sake of telling. there’s always an ulterior motive there’s always another ploy people have always got one hidden up their sleeve, even me. even in telling just for the sake of telling there is motive, there is catharsis there is confession there is redemption there is evolution. confession. does confession still work if you are not catholic. does confession still work if no one is listening. who is listening? you are. tell me you are and that’ll be enough.
forgive me father, for I have sinned.
it wasn’t rebellion, or self expression or some effort at conforming to the counterculture. it was a birth pang that lasted for four years, a scream that everyone i knew heard, as an identity was born.